Illustration by Copilot
By Phillip Das
What Are We Teaching Our Children?
There is something deeply troubling about what is happening to our young people. Every few weeks, it seems, we hear of another incident involving bullying, violence or a young life being lost. We express our shock, ask how it could have happened, and then look for someone or something to blame.
The latest discussion has brought another dimension into the picture. Law and Institutional Reform Minister Datuk Seri Azalina Othman Said has called for an in-depth look into recent cases involving violence against young women, including whether negative attitudes towards women may have played a part. She has also highlighted the importance of teaching young people about healthy relationships, respect and boundaries.
These are important concerns. But perhaps the problem goes beyond individual incidents. It raises a bigger question about how our young people are growing up and what they are learning from the world around them.
The Numbers Tell a Story
The Prime Minister recently spoke about bullying cases that had been reported in Malaysian schools this year. He also acknowledged about incidents that there may be unreported cases as well.
Behind every case is a young person. One may be frightened to go to school, another humiliated in front of friends, while another may have learnt to remain silent because nobody seems willing to listen.
There is also the young person responsible for the bullying or violence. What has shaped that behaviour? What does the child understand about anger, rejection and the rights of others?
These questions do not excuse wrongdoing. They remind us that what we see during an incident may be only part of a much longer story.
The School That Taught Us Everything But Life
Some time ago, I wrote an article titled The School That Taught Us Everything But Life. I reflected on the lessons we learnt outside the classroom, lessons that were never written in our textbooks.
We learnt mathematics, science, history and languages. But we also learnt to share, accept differences, lose a game and get along with people we did not particularly like. Much of this learning happened naturally, without us realising it.
Today, education places great importance on examinations, results, competition and getting ahead. There is nothing wrong with wanting our children to succeed. But doing well in school and doing well in life are not necessarily the same thing.
A child may achieve excellent grades but struggle to handle rejection or disappointment. A young person may have access to almost unlimited information through a phone but still find it difficult to understand another person’s feelings.
Academic achievement does not automatically teach empathy, just as knowledge does not necessarily bring wisdom.
This is why concerns about school safety and the need for a more comprehensive and independent review of student wellbeing, go beyond CCTV cameras, security guards and disciplinary action. These measures address visible problems, but they cannot tell us everything about what is happening in a child’s life.
What Happens Before an Incident?
What happens when a child is too frightened to speak? What if a teacher suspects something is wrong but does not know the full story? And what if a school is reluctant to acknowledge a problem because it fears damage to its reputation?
We rarely know everything about the circumstances leading to an incident. There may have been anger, loneliness, pressure or conflict that went unnoticed. Friends may have known something was wrong but remained silent.
Understanding these circumstances does not remove personal responsibility. It simply recognises that the behaviour we see may have a history that we do not.
Malaysia already has policies and guidelines dealing with school safety and student protection. Yet the existence of policies does not always tell us what a child experiences in the classroom, the playground or among friends.
The difference between what is written on paper and what happens in a child’s daily life can be difficult to see.
Children Are Watching Adults
Schools and parents are not the only influences in a young person’s life. Children learn from friends, neighbourhoods, social media and the wider society. They watch how adults speak to one another and how they react when challenged.
This brings me to another concern: the behaviour of some of our politicians.
When comments are made about race, religion or a particular community, we sometimes see responses filled with anger, threats and aggressive language. What begins as a disagreement can quickly become a confrontation.
These may be political matters to adults, but young people are watching. They hear the words and see how those in positions of influence behave when they feel offended.
If we tell children to respect people from different backgrounds, but they see public figures insulting or provoking others, which lesson will stay with them?
This does not mean politicians are responsible for every act of violence committed by a young person. But leadership carries responsibility. Words spoken in public do not remain in the political arena. They enter homes, schools, social media and everyday conversations.
When young people repeatedly see aggression being used to answer disagreement, they may begin to regard it as normal. When they hear another community described as a threat, it becomes easier to see its members as opponents rather than fellow human beings.
There is a difference between what we tell our children and what we show them. Sometimes, the example speaks louder than the words.
What Are We Really Teaching Our Children?
Every generation had its problems, and children were certainly not perfect when we were growing up. But spending time together, playing together and learning to live with people from different backgrounds taught us things without us realising we were being taught.
Today, our children have opportunities and access to knowledge that we could never have imagined. Yet the challenges of growing up remain. Children still have to deal with rejection, disappointment, anger and differences. They still have to learn that another person’s feelings matter and that being hurt does not give us the right to hurt someone else.
When another case of bullying or violence makes the news, we naturally ask what happened and who was responsible. But these incidents also raise questions about the environment in which our children are growing up, the behaviour they witness and the values they absorb.
We cannot assume that every incident has the same cause. Each child and each situation has its own story. But when similar concerns keep returning, it is difficult not to reflect on the society in which our children are learning to live.
This brings me back to my earlier article, The School That Taught Us Everything But Life.
We spend many years teaching our children how to pass examinations, build careers and earn a living. But growing up also means learning how to live with other people. Perhaps the question is not only what our children are learning in school, but what they are learning from all of us.
Shouldn’t what we are teaching our children be not through what we say, but through the way we live?
Perhaps for a start – how about seriously prioritising respect for fellow human beings?
WE