Smith to witness: “You mean he was as drunk as a judge.”
Judge (interrupting): “You mean as drunk as a lord.”
Smith: “Yes, My Lord.”
By S. Jayasankaran
It’s a little-known fact that raccoons are partial to their tipple of choice. This explains why, when the American state of Virginia outlawed the sale of alcohol to animals, the enactment was greeted by a resounding chorus of booze from a committee of raccoons set up to study the matter.
The committee was outraged that they hadn’t been consulted. They were doubly outraged because, unlike humans, they weren’t xenophobic.
They actually liked humans, especially Stephen Stills and his pals, one Crosby and Nash. The trio had a song, Love The Wine You’re With, that especially resonated with the alcoholic bandits.
Also, humans had a tendency to leave trash around, which suited the raccoons just fine.
It’s time to get on with our story, which revolves around a grizzled old raccoon. He was from Virginia and, with a nod to The Beatles, let’s call him Rocky.
Now Rocky had been part of that outraged committee, and he was still brooding over the unfairness of the state legislation.
In the glory days, he’d sampled all brands of beer. Now he was older, Budweiser and his kind were suddenly being cut off from the ambrosia, the wellspring of cheer itself.
He’d been doing what all raccoons do, which was foraging about for food under the cover of darkness. Rocky had been scrambling around on a roof of something when he became aware of a piercing crack.
The raccoon froze. It was as if the past, the present and the future had all congregated together in this one spot. In fact, you might say it was tense.
The next second, the ground was giving way under his feet, and the old raccoon was tumbling, turning in turmoil, until he hit the ground. He thought he heard glass breaking, bottles smashing… and all the lights went out.
When Rocky came to, he was in an unfamiliar place with a strong smell that he recognised.
He’d fallen into a liquor store, and he was inhaling the aroma emanating from smashed bottles.
He liked what he sniffed.
Alcohol consumption is abundant in the natural world and occurs in nearly every natural ecosystem where animals consume sweet fruit and nectar – stuff that easily ferments into alcohol.
More to the point, scientists have recently discovered that raccoons living in proximity to humans begin exhibiting signs of domestication – shorter snouts and curlier tails.
In Rocky’s case, it had also morphed into a taste for the finer things in life, like a predilection for Laphroaig 10, a smoky blended single malt whiskey from the Isle of Islay that regularly knocked the socks off (former Health Minister) Ling Liong Sik in times of yore.
Rocky thought he’d died and gone to Heaven. Everywhere he looked, there was a single malt: a Glenfiddich here, a Glenmorangie there, a Laphroaig everywhere.
He came, he saw, and he conquered. That is to say, he tasted, he imbibed, he got smashed.
Which brings us to last Saturday, when an employee opening Joe’s Finest Liquors was startled by smashed liquor bottles and a trail that led to the bathroom, where he discovered a drunk, sleeping and spreadeagled raccoon.
The masked miscreant shook off his stupor after a few hours of sleep. For his part, Rocky seemed none the worse for wear and even tried to purloin a few whiskey bottles to take home. The attempt was firmly rebuffed by Joe himself, who felt he’d lost enough.
It just showed that the raccoon had never been drunk at all because he fitted Ogden Nash’s definition of not being soused.
“He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.”
The views expressed here are entirely those of the author
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