By S. Jayasankaran
If we’re familiar with two things, it’s food and where to get the good stuff.
Before Michelin introduced “two-stars” to indicate “excellent food worthy of a detour,” Kuala Lumpur residents had their own BKT index which showed precisely where, in Klang, a 30-minute drive from KL, the best bah kut teh was served.
So, it came as no surprise when a national culinary team won gold at the Best National Dishes in the World Competition, held in Dubai last Saturday.
Yes, it was titled as such. I’d blame the copywriter but maybe that’s Dubai for you.
First, a pointer. Whenever you patronise a place that uses “cuisine” instead of “food,” expect your bill to be at least 60 per cent higher than normal.
Now, back to Dubai. What was the best international dish in the world, according to the Dubai Deemsters?
It was Nasi Kerabu aka Herb Rice.
You could say the said rice leaves an impression. It’s in a hue so virulently blue that it may have driven US pop singer Halsey to dye her hair turquoise.
These actions have karmic consequence. The blue tinting of Halsey’s hair was what finished off poor Cyndi Lauper who’d thought orange was the way to go.
Everything’s up in the air now. The fat fruitcake currently occupying the White House has proclaimed Orange the new Plaque so who’s to know how the karmic wheel will spin?
But I digress as we were talking about the competition, no? Apart from the signature rice dish, the six Malaysian chefs prepared chicken and shrimp dishes delicious enough to convert the heathen.
The two dishes were also chili-fiery so the sweet and ice-cold cendol served as dessert later may have been such a relief to said judges that it pushed Malaysia over the top.
As the lead chef said after the fact: “I love it when a plan comes together.”
He was quoting someone, not the Cannibal for sure, but certainly some Hannibal.
The Syrians came in second which was no mean feat. Its head chef Youssef Youhanna was already famous for his best-selling book A Device Dodger’s Directory of Damascus but this had to be icing on the cake.
No, he didn’t make cake but sensibly had opted for what he generally prepared in his house. And everyone knew hummus where the heart is.
Surprisingly, the Italians were eliminated early: “We just-a needed some Gouda luck.” The Japanese felt bitter thinking they had been given short shrift; “Udon even know our cuisine.”
But the French were the most outraged. They had been placed third which was wholly unacceptable to a nation that had gifted the baguette to the planet.
Much to the fury of central banks the world over, they’d also been the people who’d invented the Michelin star system of grading restaurant fare. Over the years, it’s had the effect of boosting food prices and thus, central bank chagrin.
But the Dubai dilemma was different and delicate. The judges thought alcohol was as necessary to cooking as a bicycle was to a fish.
“Sacre bleu!” exclaimed the French head chef as he wondered how his coq was to be prepared without the vin? (His coq au vin was, essentially, bone-in chicken slowly braised in red wine).
“Don’t go bacon my heart,” he pleaded.
But the judges were unrepentant.
“Dill with it.”